On March 26, joined by all of our family members we held a burial service for Millie. It was a beautiful day although it had been snowing 24 hours earlier. The first family event in our new home was not the event we would have hoped for, but it was certainly powerful and deeply meaningful to have all of our families there. Having never experience loss like this, I was unaware how much it would strengthen us to have everyone there. The phrases "mourning with those that mourn" and "comforting those that stand in need of comfort" take on new meaning when those you love have done that with you and for you.
Everything about the service was perfect to us. From the moment of the opening prayer, which was beautiful, to the closing was edifying and hopeful. The remarks of our Dads, bishops and Patrick were thoughtful and just what we needed to hear at times. The music was something I'll remember all my life - from the words of songs I've sung a hundred times taking on new, personal meaning, to the children's sweet song, highlighted by the women of our family singing one of our favorite songs, "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need." It was helpful in making sense of things and reflecting on what we've taking from this experience and learned from it so far, for Mark and I to be able to say a few things. We appreciated Matt and Kevin's sweet thoughts, and were heartbroken and touched by the thoughtful items our girls made for Millie.
The graveside portion was a bit surreal. As our brothers carried Millie's tiny casket to the car and we all followed out to the cemetery, I found myself thinking, "is this my life?" It was a strange thing to take a family photo around a casket, but we didn't have Natalie at the hospital and it felt like the closest thing we would ever have to all of us being together here. The actual act of lowering her casket into the ground was surprisingly hard and final for me. It was sweet to see the girls throw their petals onto her casket, but I felt as sad as I've ever felt then.
For me, this experience is best summed up by what I have come to term "the parable of the nap." It's a bit of personal revelation I had a few years ago while putting Susie down for a nap, and I now realize it was an important part of my preparation for this experience. Susie was furious at me one day for taking her away from her toys and sisters, and from the bright sunny room we were in. She howled as I put her in a bed in a dark room by herself and shut the door. From her point of view, this was so cruel. I was removing her from all that was happy and putting her by herself in a dark and lonely place. How could a mother that loved her do this to her?? I then considered myself as her mother, and how I love her and want to do what's best for her. From my point of view, a nap is for her benefit. She'll feel happier and be healthier and stronger from taking them. I realized that we are all the baby in this parable while we're here on Earth. There will be many "naps" in our lives, where we won't understand how certain experiences could possibly be for our good. Not only that, but they seem cruel. However, our Heavenly Father loves us so much, and somehow when this life is over, we will be able to see how all of these experiences were done for our good. We will understand the purpose of the "naps", and the brevity of them. This way of seeing things has been incredibly helpful to me, and I'm so grateful for this moment of preparation I had years ago.
