How interesting to read back over my last post and remember the anticipation of Amelia's birth. I just took for granted that she would arrive well since we had made it so far. Since the main concern this pregnancy was my health, her passing was a shock that we were completely unprepared for. I continue to replay the events surrounding her sad delivery and try to process them. That day was so surreal, and so sad on many levels. I've never been so heartbroken in my life. I can't compare anything to holding your precious, beautiful, newborn baby and saying good-bye to her before you got to say hello. This little baby that you carried and sacrificed for and loved is already gone and with her all your hopes for her, and all the things you imagined doing with her and for her.
Like any hard thing, we've already learned and grown in so many ways from this experience. We have felt a powerful sense of family with our own immediate family that we never had before, and with our extended families. We feel like we absolutely have to be back with Amelia, and so our lives have such a focus and need to do the things that will allow us to be with her one day. We have grappled with issues of death, resurrection, faith, doubt, anger, fear, hope as never before as adults and also with our kids - many times. Everything we've learned about all these things is so personal and real now. It's an amazing experience. I can go on and on about the experiences and thoughts of these past 3 weeks, but I'll probably have to save it for various posts as I reflect over time. There are lots of hard moments and lots of sweet moments. It's exhausting at times, the constant roller coaster of emotions, thoughts, and feelings we seem to be on constantly now.
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